Thursday 3 April 2014

"I'm Fine." and other lies.

April 3, 2014

No writing prompt today. Just thinking...

These days, I'm happy. I'm good, and I love my life. However, sometimes I find reminders of times when I wasn't so happy. I was having a hard time with life, and I was not fighting depression at all. It was winning.

It makes me happy I've learned the steps I need to take to move past the sadness, but I feel for the girl I was a few years ago.

I just read something that made me think of this, and I wanted to share my thoughts because I haven't clearly before. I spoke about what I was going through in my older blog, but I don't know how clear I was. 

Somebody wrote about the awkward conversations she has had with people after her divorce. To be more clear, the questions she was asked that she wasn't ready to answer from an acquaintance.

I, of course, have not been through a divorce (you have to be married to get to the divorce point). I can't speak with understanding about divorce or what she is going through. I don't think anybody can ever completely understand what somebody else is going through. It's all a sort of loss though. Loss is hard no matter what kind, who you are, or where you are in life. This was the story I read. (Side note, I really enjoy reading the blogs on Blogher.) I'm going a little off topic from what she was talking about, but the whole post made me think of the lies we tell people while getting through the day.

While reading it, I thought back to days in my past when people would ask how I was doing. After break ups (the major break ups) or deaths or my miscarriage. I group these together as my bad times (though breakups are in a MUCH lower category). I'm not going to focus on just one.

I remember how many people would ask me if I was okay, and I wasn't honest with many people. My family and my close friends, I tried to tell them the truth. Not always though. If a coworker or acquaintance had asked me though I, for the most part, lied.

"How are you?"

"I'm fine."

This is in BC. So I really was fine, but the picture works.

They are asking because they are legitimately concerned with my well being. They wanted to know that I was doing better. Sometimes, I think they would rather hear, "I'm fine" instead of the truth. So I told them I was. This lie worked on myself as well. Things didn't really hit me until it was much later. 

It was different when Cameron died because I took the steps to get help and to talk to a counsellor before I convinced myself that everything was okay. I still lied to people about where I was in my progress because they wanted me to feel better about it.

Although, I do wonder what the response would have been if I had said, "I'm having trouble getting out of bed." Even admitting that right now, in this blog is hard to do. I don't ever want people to see my like that, and I don't EVER want to be in that place in my life again.

People say things and use quotes because they really want to make things better.

"Everything happens for a reason."
"It is what it is."
All sorts of religious quotes. 

I can't think of them all because I tried to block them out. A simple, 'I'm thinking of you' helped me a lot.

Okay, this post is actually making me feel a bit down, so I'm going to continue my day, and find some things to laugh about. Things to be grateful for because there are so many!

Actually being fine is a good feeling. I'm better than just fine though. I'm a little bit free (although not as stress free as I'd like), I'm grateful, I'm optimistic, and I'm happy. My heart doesn't carry the heaviness it once did.

©ErinLeahMcCrea All photos I share on my blogs are my own, please return the favour and Ask Me For Permission Before Using Them.

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  1. Another not helpful comment is "I know just how you feel." That is so seldom true because, as you said, no one knows what you are going through that being said, all the comments are made because someone cares how you are doing and most of us don't know what to say. I think it is also OK to say something like "i''m getting there" or "I'll be OK", depending of course how comfortable you are with the people you are with. It is a little more honest and people will enquire more if they are truly interested (or have time). Proud of you for having dealt with all the things you have had come your way in life. NM

    1. True. Everybody's pain is different. I did appreciate comments from everybody, it was just a few particular phrases that even though I knew were well meaning, were still hard to hear repeated. I actually don't think I'd be very good giving the condolence myself. Other than crying with them. :)