Tuesday, 4 April 2017

Staying home

April 4, 2017

Changes. Lots of Changes

When I left my work last May, I knew with all my heart I would be coming back after my maternity leave. I was going to be a working Mom. 

Then I had my baby. 

Very quickly, my heart jumped in with it's own opinion: "What if I don't go back to work?"

My job isn't perfect. It is sometimes stressful. I know, all jobs are. Like I said, it's not perfect, but to be perfectly honest, I'm not going to write about that here. I don't blog to complain about work issues. 

I love the people I work with. People who work in radio are a fun group. Always. It doesn't matter what stations I've worked at, I've always enjoyed the people. They are a family. A fun family full of nuts.

That being said, even with my love for my work family, something started to happen as I watched my little baby grow. I realised I did not want to leave him when the year was up. I wasn't ready. 

Will I ever be ready? I'm not sure.

Although I've been sure for quite a while that I didn't want to go back to work, I haven't been 100 percent sure. It's my job. It's my money. It's my time away from my house. (Adult time.) 

Financially, we can do this, but it will take a lot less spending than I'm used to. This is something I'm not sure about. I'm not talking about spending money. I know how to scrimp and save (I don't like it though). I'm talking about not having my own money. It's going to be hard. I like being self reliant and I really like having some sort of independence.

I've never in my life looked down on the people who choose to stay home with their children because they are doing something SO important. But, I never once pictured myself as a Stay at Home Mom. I guess, I rarely pictured myself as a mother though, so that makes sense. 

When I did see myself as a Mom, I guess I pictured myself as the Mom balancing a kid in one hand, and coffee in the other while running out of the house in my heels. All the power to those Mommas as well because I no longer even attempt to imagine myself like that.

Lastly, I like my coworkers. Even while having the worst day, I know I can pop my head up and talk about it with my work pals.  Work related or life related. 

My baby wins. I can't imagine leaving him in the middle of May. The thought was already breaking my heart. I did not want to leave him for a job. Not yet. 

I left him recently for a Writer's Workshop. It was about three or four hours, and that was already more than my heart could handle. It was worth it though. By the way - more on the Writer's Workshop in a different post.

I know I'd learn to deal with it. Tons of Moms do. 

It's never going to feel right. If I go to work, it won't feel right, and if I stay home, it won't feel right. I'm hoping to find a balance.

This photo was taken yesterday after I got off the phone. (My hair is wet, not greasy...) My bosses were calling to check in and see if I'd be back on May 15th. I told them I wouldn't. I cried when I told them. I didn't want to let them down, and I didn't want to let myself down.

They reacted well. Honestly, it's just another example of why I love the radio business. They all encouraged me and my decision and told me choosing my family is never a bad thing. As one of them said, "We won't be there for you when you're 65, your family will." That really put it into perspective for me. 

I got off the phone, and picked up my sleeping baby because I knew holding him would put things into perspective, even more. I was sad to be leaving something behind, but happy to be starting something completely new. 

There is something else this gives me. It gives me the opportunity to focus on writing. I was going to say to focus 100 percent on writing, but my focus will be on raising a respectful, adventurous, smart, and loving little boy. However, while I'm not raising the world's most perfect boy, or while he's sleeping, I can write. I can work on something I've dreamed about for years. I can work on my novel. I can do everything I can to get it published. 

I'm also going to try to freelance. I need to learn more about it, and decide where and what to do, but I think I'm going to need to work from home in some way or another. I haven't worked it all out yet, I just know I will want my own income. 

However, I'm not going to be selling anything. I will say no if asked. 

Well, I may have to sell my writing skills, but that's it. 

This time will be dedicated to my family, and dedicated to writing. It almost feels like a gift, and I'm not going to waste it. I'm so grateful for it all.

Yesterday, I was sad, and I was unsure about my decision.


 Today, I sat outside in the sun with my family, and all I could think was, I can do this whenever I want! I can watch my son's firsts, and enjoy every moment I can with them.

Today, I made the correct decision.

I also feel like it was a brave decision. I don't often call myself brave, but the decision to stay home feels brave to me. (If you don't agree, that's fine too.) 

And while, I have not started editing/rewriting my novel, I am blogging. That's writing. That's something. 

Life is about to get really different (mostly financially). I spent a year watching my baby grow. Now I'll watch him grow more (hopefully he'll slow down), and I'll finally be able to work towards something I've dreamed about for years. Writing full time. 

I smiled as I wrote that. (I smiled as I reread it as well.)

Okay. so that's it for now. I'm now a Stay at Home Writing Momma. Something I'll do proudly, with tons of gratitude, and with all the energy I can.

Happy Tuesday.


"Write it on your heart that every day is the best day in the year."
Ralph Waldo Emerson

©ErinLeahMcCrea All photos I share on my blogs are my own, please Ask Me For Permission Before Using Them.

Also, check out my ongoing book blog:  Proud Bookworm at: http://bookserinread.blogspot.ca/ 

I occasionally do guest Mom posts for a local Mommy Connections blog. Check them out, and others here:

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