Wednesday 23 December 2015

Big Big Changes

Sept 22, 2015

I'm pregnant. I found out two days ago. This post won't be published until the end of November.

Officially, according to my pregnancy app math, I am four weeks and two days. 

Let me tell you exactly how this makes me feel.

  • Scared. 

  • And excited.

  • And scared.

  • And hopeful.  

  • But really really scared.

I can't even begin to tell you what I felt like when I saw the positive test. I guess it's because I don't know how I felt. Shocked I guess.

It was a relief to know that the reason I was crying all day was not because of PMS on crack. I think it was a relief to Clint as well.  It was really great to know that I was going to have a baby with the love of my life. Basically, the feeling was the exact opposite of the last time.

Clint was outside the room, so he knew seconds after I did. He was probably also in shock. 

I'm keeping this a secret, but not from everybody. I have a list of who I've told. Why? So if something goes wrong, I know who to tell.

I'm so scared that this isn't going to work out. Every time, I'm in the washroom, I check for blood.

I'm scared. That's why it's good to tell people. I had myself convinced for a long time that the next time I became pregnant, I wouldn't tell a soul. That's not me. It's also not healthy for me.

I think I am concerned about my age as well. I know people have babies when they are older than me, but that doesn't mean that risks aren't worse because I'm over 30. This was my choice. I chose to try for a baby at this age. I wouldn't have continued to try if it didn't work, but I'm confident that I made the right choice. And I'm so hopeful that I'll have a healthy and wonderful baby.

Strange that my last post was the one admitting I was trying to get pregnant. I'm well aware that by the time I post this, that post will be about three months old, but at the moment it's recent to me.

I'm trying to concentrate on work, but it's tough because this is ALL I'm thinking about. I want to tell everybody. (I won't). 

I'm planning to wait until the very end of November, and then I'll send out Christmas/announcement cards to let people know. I'll publish this shortly after that.  

How horrible is it, that the most exciting moments can't be shared in case something goes wrong? I will tell my family in October (immediate family), and everybody I tell is sworn to secrecy.

As for how I'm going to post this, I'm not sure. I may keep adding to it as the months go. It will make for a long post, but that's okay. This is worth it. I'm also writing in my journal, but I want to keep my blog up to date with what's going on.

I'm not sure how this will make a difference to my novel writing. It' a good thing Nanowrimo is coming up because I WILL need a distraction. I just have to get through October.

Okay - I'll write more soon. I'll bold the dates for the new days.

September 23

I don't have much more to add today. I just wanted to post a picture. My first one since I found out. Now keep in mind, while it looks like I have a bump, mostly that's just bloating and actual chubbiness that's already there. When I gain weight it goes straight to the belly as it is. 

This is taken at 4 weeks, 2 days. 

Isn't it funny how I've been thinking lately how time is going SO quickly, and now, it is the opposite. It's this big secret I have to keep for 14 weeks. SO LONG.

Sept 25, 2015

I'm at four weeks, five days.

Yesterday, I didn't tell anybody other than my doctor. (That doesn't count.) So it was a great day for secrets.

The doctor's appointment was good. It's too early to really do anything so we just talked. The only part that scared me was something I already knew about. Testing for Down Syndrome. Nothing is scarier to me. I'm not really going to get into it at the moment. It's just another worry that I probably don't need to focus on.

I actually wanted to write about Clint and I. We went for supper last night. It was a celebration dinner, and it was his idea. And I love him for it. While at supper, we discussed many things. The test for Down Syndrome was one of them. I'm so glad that I have somebody to talk to about these things. 

We also talked about names. I think we've got some picked out. I know it's too early, but really, if something happens, there's nothing saying we can't try again. I am old enough now that I know I want a name that means something. That's what we are going to do.

I knew Clint was on board. If he wasn't, we wouldn't be pregnant. It's just nice to see he's excited. 

As a side note - I ordered a virgin Caesar while we were out. They are delicious with or without the vodka. I posted it after to keep up appearances, haha. Trickery.

September 30,

I'm 5 weeks, 3 days today. Baby is the size of an orange seed. I don't have any updates. I don't have my first prenatal until October 23rd.

It's easy to compare this pregnancy with the last, but here is the biggest difference: I am so happy. 

I'm feeling overly optimistic because I really feel like this is the right time, with the person I love. 

That being said, not only am I prepared for sadness, but I know I'll be able to handle it better than last time because I'll have Clint's support. 

October 2,
It's really a long time until I'm planning to tell anybody. Two more months of feeling tired and exhausted, but not being able to tell anybody my good news!

I've been SO very excited lately. Ridiculously happy. I know I said that I'd be able to handle a miscarriage better this time, but it does scare me that I'll lose this happiness. 

October 6,

A little about my emotions lately. I watched Full House on Netflix this weekend. (A Full House marathon), and I cried. A lot. I cried when they met the Beach Boys. I cry every time the girls realise they have to do another event without a Mom. I cry every time Danny Tanner gives one 'Dad' speech and solves everything. 

That being said, the first episode of the newest Netflix season of The Walking Dead also made me cry at the end.

By the way: Six Weeks, Two Days today. So far symptoms are my crazy mood, the most painful breasts ever, and tired. Also I'm hungry. And I'm nauseous. Usually at the same time.

October 14

7 weeks, 3 days. First appointment is next Friday. I'm not positive what it will involve. 

I realised today, that my mind thinks around food. All the time. I get to work, and all I can think about is lunch. I've always enjoyed food, but maybe not this much. Ha. Other than that, same symptoms as last week. There's no way I can be showing yet, but I certainly am growing a food tummy.

October 15

I had a bad dream last night. The baby wasn't growing was the short story, and the long story was too strange to get into.

I'm more scared than I'm willing to admit to anybody about miscarriage. I had it in the 11th week of my last (and only other) pregnancy about six years ago. That's a pretty late one, and I didn't know it at the time. I did know it would be safer in the second trimester, but didn't realise the longer you're pregnant, the less chances you are of having a miscarriage. If that makes sense. At seven weeks, 4 days, I'm safer than I was at 6 weeks.

Obviously because it's a real possibility, I've kept my list small. I've told people who I know will be supportive if I tell them I've had a miscarriage, but not overbearing. 

I don't know if I'll be ready for a lot of 'words of encouragement' from too many people. I don't want people to pray for me.

However, if I have the miscarriage, there is a chance I will share this post either way. Not for sympathy. I don't need or want sympathy or support through my blog. I just know I won't want to ignore it. I don't think it is something that needs to be left silent. I want to share with people because it's not shared enough. I'm just not sure when I will share the post.

I know, I may not even have to worry about this, but it's what I'm thinking about today. Things might now work out. If they don't, I still want to be open and honest about it. It's how I get through things.

Oct 20
Quick post today. 8 weeks 2 days. I haven't been craving a lot, but found I really enjoy the Caesars... without the Caesar. :) 

Oct 27
Speaking of those green olives, that's how big baby is at 9 weeks. By the way, my shirt says "Save Water, Drink Beer." Very inappropriate. 

November 2, 2015

It's week 10. The closer I get to Week 12, and the ultrasound, the more scared I'm getting. I think I need to find a way to de-stress, and try not to worry, but it's hard. This time last pregnancy, was the end of my pregnancy. There's no reason to believe it will happen again, but there's no reason to believe it won't happen again.

Time has gone relatively quickly, but I really hope that next Friday, after my ultrasound, I'll have time to slow down and enjoy the prune that's growing in my tummy. 

Monday, November 9/15

Week 11! Baby is the size of a lime. As for me, I'm pretty on edge this week. Like I said last time I wrote, this is the time I had a miscarriage, and it's also the last week before things are 'safe'. I will feel better on Friday after the ultrasound (I hope.) Until then, I'm feeling stressed, scared, and concerned about what will happen in the next few days.

Monday, November 30th, 2015

I've actually had a lot to say, but haven't been blogging at all lately. I'll quickly try to catch up.

At week 11, day 4, I had my ultrasound on Friday the 13th. I took the entire day off, even though it was just a morning appointment. Clint was away, so my mom came with me. 

First, I'll start with the funny (gross) story. I have not had any morning sickness this entire pregnancy. I had to drink three glasses of water an hour before the appointment. Turns out, my body can't handle that. I threw up TONS of water in the parking lot of the ultrasound place. Ridiculous. Luckily, there was still enough water to do the ultrasound. 

Second, during the ultrasound, I found out I am measuring a week ahead. So I had hit 12 weeks, 4 days without even knowing it. It was kind of a relief actually to have skipped what I consider to be the most scary week. 

The ultrasound itself was pretty cool. I have to admit that when I see other people's I've never really understood. Now I do.  Now I understand. It's a moment that you realise there really is a baby growing inside of you. I didn't get to that point last time. This was new. 

Since then, I've been sharing the news. It was week 13 when I shared with coworkers. I also made cards to send to friends and family. Most of them are sent out now, and I'm loving the responses.

Just one thing about how fast this kid is growing. In week 7, kid was a chickpea. This week, Kid is the size of an apple or big orange. Crazy!

November 18th was babies first snowfall. Also the first time I caught myself talking to baby.

November 25th, baby was the size of my fist.
December 4th,

I've enjoyed the way the news is rolling out slowly. It spread across my work place a little quicker than I was ready for, but it was good to get it out. Now the card receivers are responding as they get them, and it's making me pretty happy to hear back from people who are excited about it. I did discover that my witty card only really makes sense if people know I'm pregnant. 

The back does explain it though.

And here is my Week 15, Day 4 Belly bump. It's coming!
Dec 21, 2015

This will be my last day of posting on this particular post. I will be sharing it tonight. 

The news is out on Facebook, so there is no reason to make this post any longer than it is.

I've been feeling grateful these past few weeks. Clint is home, and that's making me even more happy.

I'm ridiculously happy, and so excited to continue this adventure.

On Saturday, December 12th, I felt my first 'butterfly' flutters. No kicks, just flutters. They've continued through the weeks. It was pretty cool.

Today, I heard the heart beat again. Even though I've already heard it, it still makes me feel so happy. I worry when I don't know things for certain, and this helped. 

The results came back for the genetic testing. I'm at low risk so that's another nice thing to hear.

Like I said, this is an experience that I'm lucky to have, and everyday brings something new for me to learn. 

Last picture for the post is from my Christmas Party. The baby bump was out. (Not quite big enough to have a beer bottle resting on it for Clint.)

Dec 23, 2015

Didn't quite get that posted when I meant to.

Things got busy, and it wasn't the right time. Holidays have officially begun for me (back to work next Tuesday). 

The next few days, we'll be sharing Saskatchewan with Clint's family, and celebrating Christmas with both of our families.

Next entry will be shorter! :)

Happy Holidays to all. 

As always,

"Write it on your heart that every day is the best day in the year."
Ralph Waldo Emerson

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  1. Congrats, Erin! Very exciting news. It reminded me of when I was pregnant with my son, Matthew. He's seventeen now. Time flies. Happy Holidays!!

  2. Congrats, Erin! Very exciting news. It reminded me of when I was pregnant with my son, Matthew. He's seventeen now. Time flies. Happy Holidays!!