Saturday 21 March 2015

My biggest fear

March 21, 2015

Day 21 of 31 prompts.

What's your biggest fear?

I could say my biggest fear is spiders. Or being forced to eat a banana. Or of never being published. Or of NEVER paying off my debts. Those are all fears. They aren't my biggest fear.

My biggest fear is losing loved ones. I'm sure a lot of people have this fear, and I'm sure a lot of people have faced this fear.

Having experienced loss myself, I know how hard it is. I actually had convinced myself I was used to it. I'm not though.

More specifically, I am so scared of losing Clint. This isn't something I ever want to admit because I want to be seen as independent and strong. I want to BE independent and strong. I've made it through break ups from serious boyfriends in the past. 

I've said before: I can't imagine Clint and I breaking up. I don't think it will happen, but I've had nightmares about it. It's silly and not something I talk about, but I've felt the pain in my dreams, and I do not ever want to feel it in real life. I'm actually really embarrassed to admit that I've had these dreams.

Clint not only keeps me strong, but he reminds me I'm strong. My life is better with him in it, and I cannot imagine having to lose him (in any way). Who will remind me I'm stronger than I think?

That being said, I would survive. That's what people do. It would just feel impossible at times, and I don't want to have to ever go through it. I'm trying to convince him that I get to die first. (When we are 102.) 

I'd like us to be like this couple: This couple have loved one another for 80 years. That's AMAZING!

I'm scared of too many things, and I try my hardest not to focus on my fears and work through them. This specific fear isn't something that will go away, but it's not something I focus on. If I love with every bit of me, I'll be happy. There's no other way to love Clint. He's my other half.

As for the rest of my loved ones, I'm always scared to lose somebody. I try not to think about it because it hurts. I try not to let the fear take over when I haven't heard from somebody. It still does at times. Family, friends, Clint. I don't want to lose them. 

Unfortunately, I also know the reality of life. People aren't always around.

Wow. This post has turned depressing. I'm really sorry about that. My loved ones are the most important to me, and everyday I spend with them, is one I can feel grateful about. I will need to remember that always. 

Clint and I have had and will have a wonderful love story, and will continue to live out a life of making each other happy. The important thing to remember about my dreams (nightmares), is that I wake up with him next to me, and I relax. 

Spiders or mice crawling on me is also really scary. So we're clear. Not all my fears are quite so scary. I once woke up with a mouse on me, and I've never been able to shake the image. (Although, I could tell the mouse was just as scared at my screams, as I was with it.) The fear of waking up with something crawling on me is MUCH worse now that it's happened. Actually, that could be why I'm so scared of loss. Same thing. But way different.

Ugh, I have to go watch something happy on Netflix now.

Happy Weekend!

March Prompts: Here gets you to another link and here.
As always,

"Write it on your heart that every day is the best day in the year."
Ralph Waldo Emerson

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  1. Rodents scare me to near death. You survived a mouse crawling on you! You are a rock in my eyes. :)

    1. Haha. I didn't realise how scared I was of them until it happened!