Loss

December 21, 2014

It's that time of year. The time when you can't help but feel the love around you. People are happy. They are planning holidays with loved ones. I'm happy. 

This month, mixed in with the happiness and excitement, I've been seeing loss. It seems like a lot of people have to deal with sadness. Death breaks my heart. All the time, it breaks my heart, but it's so hard over the holidays. It's always hard. I know this. No matter when it happens, you always have to live through all the moments. Birthdays, celebrations, holidays. Losing somebody in November and December is hard. It's a month full of celebrations, smiles, family, and love, and to go through loss when everybody else is feeling happy, is hard. 

I have so much going on this month. I have a great work crew that does Christmas activities. Clint and I have a beautiful tree up with gifts for family under it. We will be spending the holidays in Plenty with my family. I'm excited to spend the day in Mom and Dad's new house.

And yet, on this day, I'm sad. 

It was three years ago today that my friend was killed in a car accident. 

It's been three years, and it's still fucking hard. 

(I don't swear a lot in this blog - I save it for real life. I'm sorry to offend anybody, but that's how I'm feeling.)

Today, my thoughts are with Cameron. They are on his family, his friends, and his loved ones. 

Calling Cameron a friend is 100 percent true, but he was more than my friend. He was my ex-boyfriend. For two years, he was my boyfriend. We lived together, we travelled together, we shared holidays together. We loved each other, but not enough. When we broke up, it was a good break up. We stayed friends. We lived in two different provinces, but still spoke frequently towards the end. It was hard. I had trouble figuring it out, but we made it though, we were friends.

I can remember the last time I saw him. (Labour Day weekend). I can remember the last time we spoke on the phone. I can still hear his laugh when I told him a story about not fitting into a dress for my Christmas party. We were finally friends. 

He was my friend, and the day I found out about his death, was one of the worst days of my life, and it was followed by a year of figuring out how to deal with it. 

As hard as it was for me, it was worse for others. It always is. He was loved. He is missed. Every day, he is missed.

We had a lot of good times. We also had bad times. Things weren't perfect, but in the end, that didn't matter. I lost somebody I had considered a best friend at points. He was a son, a brother, a friend, an employee, a coworker, and a guy with a fantastic laugh.

On this day, I miss the loss of my friend. He died too young, and had a whole life of laughter left. 

This year, on this day, my thoughts are with his family and his friends.

This year, on this day, my thoughts are with all the people who have lost loved ones. It's a fact of life that never goes away. This year it seems like so many people are dealing with tragedy, and whether I know them or not, it's tough as hell. Dealing with loss is hard, and like I said, it breaks my heart to see people having to deal with it so close to the holidays. 

I am incredibly grateful for the life that I have, the life I'm living, and the people I spend my time with. I'm happy to be with the love of my life. 

That doesn't stop me from taking time to remember the loss of Cameron, and to think of all the others who are dealing with something sad or scary. 

It's a tough day. But it is also a day to live and to love. It's a day to appreciate what you have because tomorrow, everything could change in an instant. It's a day to live life to the fullest, and to laugh. I have cried today. I've also laughed, smiled, and told people that I love them. I'm thankful for knowing Cameron. 

I know I'm not the only one. I visit his Facebook page on his birthday and on this day. He was loved, and I hope he knew that.

Live life to the fullest, and enjoy what you have. Today and always. 

And as always:

©ErinLeahMcCrea All photos I share on my blogs are my own, please Ask Me For Permission Before Using Them.

Prompts from: http://erinisawriter.blogspot.ca/2014/12/updated-prompts.html

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