Monday, 27 January 2014

Writing Challenge Day 17

Day 17
For today’s task, write about your saddest memory.'

If anybody has read my other blog, you know I have some experience with writing about my saddest moments. The happy memories all get grouped together as great days, but they're harder to place. The sad memories are specific things, but the sadness stays longer that I'd like, and still hits me at times. The roller coaster of grief. I've dealt with a miscarriage, break ups (which really, are the LEAST sad moments, looking back), I've lost all three of my grandparents,and my aunt. The day that I found out Cameron died in a car accident was my absolute saddest moment and darkest time. I will write about that. As I said, I already have in a different blog, but this is three years later, and not as fresh of a wound. I haven't updated that blog in a long time, and I think it's because to me, it is a blog about a really sad time(s) in my life. I needed to get away from it. I think, I may consider a gratitude blog. One good thing a day. It shouldn't be hard.

I got off topic. I do that. Also, it's lunch on a Monday, so my brain is still slow from the weekend. I'll get back to the sad memory right now.

I mentioned Cameron in my sweetest memory entry. The memory was about my Grandmother. Cameron and I dated for about two years. We met under strange circumstances. I was pregnant when we met, but had broken up with the 'father'. It wasn't ideal circumstances, but it worked, and it helped having him around when I later had a miscarriage. This was all very early on in our relationship. We eventually moved in together, and planned a future. I'm not certain that he ever completely fell in love with me, and as our lives changed, we grew more distant, and finally decided we would be better off as friends. He had been my best friend for a time, and I was content with him as a friend. I moved to Saskatchewan and he stayed in Alberta while we were still together, and then we broke up a couple of weeks after the move.

We broke up in July, and the last time I saw him was Labour Day weekend in September when I went out there to pick up some of my things. We still spoke on the phone, and tried to catch up on one another's lives though. This is basically just background information on who he was to me.

He was coming back to Saskatoon for Christmas, and we had plans to meet up. This is where my memory begins. He was going to give my friend a ride up to Saskatoon with him. She lived in Edmonton. I texted her on my lunch break on the day they were planning to arrive. I asked her how the trip was going. Her response scared me. She responded by telling me he hadn't picked her up yet, and when she called to ask where he was, a constable answered and told her they were heading to her house. She thought he was joking. I didn't. I texted her back, and I called her. At this point, she had already spoken to a police officer and he told her not to tell me anything else, so she wasn't answering my texts or my calls. I texted and called Denise to tell her what was going on. I was still trying to convince myself nothing bad had happened. I knew better.

Denise called Brittany, and found out what happened. Which basically meant, they both were unable to tell me anything. What they couldn't tell me, was that Cameron had been in a car accident the night before on his way to Edmonton. He died in the crash. Denise and her husband came to work and called me outside to tell me what happened. She knew that I knew, and couldn't leave me sitting at my desk worrying. The moment she told me, I felt a little like I was watching myself react. Although, I can't quite remember what I did. I know I went back inside to tell my coworkers I was heading home, and explain why. I cried. A lot. In fact, I can't really write this memory without tears coming to my eyes. I went back to Denise's house, and we waited. We waited for his parents to find out, and we cried. We also drank. Years later, I can say I don't really recommend that route, but I didn't know what else to do.

This was my saddest moment, but I worked through it. I had support of friends and family. I had his family, and I had my memories. I hadn't lost a boyfriend or a love, I had lost a good friend. He was 29 years old, and it was really hard thing to understand. To this day, I can't watch a car accident on TV shows or movies without tears. He wasn't my first loss, and that actually helped me get through it. I talked to people, I went to a counsellor, and I tried to live my life. I changed because of his death, but still have so much more learning to do.

The sad moments in my life helped to teach me how important being happy is. It took me longer than I should have in some cases, but it was an important lesson.

Now that I've written this, I'm going to start my daily gratitude blog because I need it. This can't be what defines me, but all my moments. Good and bad.

I'm very slowly catching up in this challenge. No updates on my novel.


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