The last time I wrote a post (My Last Post) was January 28th.
This might be the longest I've gone in more than a year without a post. I have no excuses. I can't even think of an excuse. I just haven't felt like blogging. I've started posts this month, but never finished them. I've changed the above date, about 10 times.
My goal today is to finish a post.
In my defence, I have written two posts on my book blog. (I've read two books to post about).
I've had more than one idea about what to blog about here. Life stories, prompts, writing stories were all on the list. I can't remember what any of them were.
I think I'm going to ease back into blogging with a personal post.
I have been feeling a bit down lately, and stressed. I know where the stress is coming from, but I'm not sure why I've been feeling so down. Maybe it is from my lack of blogging. Writing helps me feel better, and I've been ignoring it for the month. Hopefully, this will help me get back on track emotionally.
C and I have been discussing having kids lately. That's a lot of information for a blog post, but I'm so far from caring, that I'll talk about it anyway.
We just signed a mortgage for a house together, and that's the first step of many (after moving in together, which was a year and a bit ago). Kids and marriage will be the next major discussions. Although, they've been discussions for a while.
The excitement of the house is wonderful, and I'm sure when it gets closer to possession and move in date, I'll be a lot more excited about the change. Currently, it's planning, packing, and waiting.
C has always said he wants a house before anything else. I understand that. The problem is, now that we have a house, we have to make a decision about babies.
I know to many other people, the having a baby decision is easy.
It's not for me. I can imagine being a mother, and it's a pretty good feeling. I think C and I will both be good parents. I don't always find life easy, and I am not always as strong as I could be, but I hope that all my strength will come together for a possible son or daughter.
That being said, at times, raising a child seems easier than childbirth. I'm not good with pain, and the thought of childbirth really scares me. I'm all tough acting until I get hurt. (I'm not tough acting at all. I just lied).
A few posts back, I wrote a letter to my future child Here. I wrote it in a humorous way, but the truth is, I'd love to be a mother. I'd love to raise a child with C.
Or would I? It really depends which week you ask me. I'm going to be 35 in September, and my mind changes every week about what I want.
C has his own worries, and I don't want to get into it too much because this is a blog about me. Not him. He worries more about being gone, and how I will react if he's working away from home. He's worried I'll hold it against him.
I think I'll be okay because I do have a pretty good support system in Saskatoon.
We are both worried about my mood. This is valid. Depression is a huge fear of mine. I said earlier on in this very post that I've been feeling down. I don't want to EVER feel like this when I have a baby to be grateful for.
To sum up my entire post, I don't take baby having lightly. It's not an easy decision for me. I have a lot more fears that I should have, and if I do have a baby, I'll be pretty happy to have C there to balance out the baby. I don't want to raise a child who is as anxious and worried about things as I am. I want to raise a fearless child (of course, with a bit of fear so they won't get into cars with strangers).
This isn't at all what I had planned to write about when I started this post. Oh well, this is my real life right now. I'm in my 30s, and finally trying to plan my future.
I know, without a doubt, that the future will include Clint and a dog. Past that, I guess we'll start making more life decisions once we've moved into the new house. One step at a time, right?
I always feel like I'm one or two steps behind almost everybody in my future plans. I'm okay with that though. If I can't make the decision now, past me would have been completely lost.
Here is something that makes me think having a baby might work out for the best. This is one of the very first pictures of my mom and I:
I will try to post more often. No promises though. As for the baby thing, I'm sure my decision will be made sooner or later. Whether or not I share it, that's another decision I'll have to make. (Ugh... decisions).
"Write it on your heart that every day is the best day in the year."
Ralph Waldo Emerson
©ErinLeahMcCrea All photos I share on my blogs are my own, please Ask Me For Permission Before Using Them.